Regrets...and changes.

I have to say, I honestly don’t have many regrets in life as events so far have led me to where I am now, which is a good place.  One of my major regrets though, one that still plays on my mind, is not taking a former employer to tribunal.  I could have done so on grounds of disability discrimination, sex discrimination or constructive dismissal, but I didn’t.  I threatened to a few times, but was afraid to see it through because I was scared to lose my job (even when I should have walked out and fought the constructive dismissal angle).  Instead I hung on and hung on, getting more and more miserable and depressed.  I don’t know what it was that finally pushed me to take action – I left for a job which paid a considerable amount less and was only fixed term – but I have never regretted that, even when the job came to an end and I was unemployed.  I only wished I had faced my fears and done it sooner.

I knew at the time that things weren’t right, and that there were deep and ingrained problems within the office.  But over two years since I left, I can look back and appreciate just how horrible the place was and the effect it, and some of the people, had upon me.  The training I have had since, and am learning about now, on equality and discrimination (among other things) has also helped me to highlight things that happened in the past that were, if not downright illegal, a recipe for inequality, unfairness, resentment and destruction of morale.

I can tell some stories.

Stories where female job interview candidates were, following the interview, rated on their looks openly within the office by male managers.  Stories where people they met while travelling around the county for their jobs were described as “totty” and the day would be a bad one if they hadn’t met any totty while out and about.  Stories where managers stated that they didn’t want to employ any more senior staff on part time contracts (even though there was no real reason for this).

I could tell you about the times I tried and tried to put my name forward for projects and for work, saying that I needed more to do and I knew I was capable of achieving this, coming up with ideas about how it could be done – only to find out later that the exact project I had suggested had been given to a male member of staff, and nobody had bothered to explain this to me.  I was basically ignored every single time I suggested things or asked to be involved, and eventually I gave up.

I could tell you about the time I fought to be involved in a project, did all the groundwork for it, then when another member of staff came back from sick leave it was all transferred over without consultation or explanation and I felt completely undermined and devalued.

I could tell you about the time I left a load of my own work in my own pigeon hole to remind myself to do it when I got back from a single day off, only to find when I returned that it had been taken out of my pigeon hole and put in someone else’s.  Or the times that mail addressed to me was passed to another member of staff to deal with.

I could tell you about the many, many times that staff walked past me to ask questions of my equivalent male colleague who had just been appointed to do the same job as me, even though he was new to the job and I had been doing it – effectively – for years and (with respect to my colleague) had a wider knowledge base and capability.  I could tell you about the time that I spoke to my manager about this as it was upsetting me greatly.   I could tell you that he told me that I was being “silly” and over sensitive, something I highly doubt he would have said to a man.  I could also confirm that I was not imagining this, as my colleague mentioned it to me himself a couple of weeks later even though I had not said a word to him (as it was not his fault).

I could tell you that the same male colleague, doing the same job as me, was employed on considerably more pay and it took many months of fighting and being brushed off and treated as unimportant to get this put right.  Then the day after I was told I had won my fight and would be paid more, I was brought into the manager’s office on a charge of misconduct and sent home.  They then proceeded to tell lies about me throughout the subsequent investigation, and not allow me right of reply.  This caused me to have a bit of a breakdown.  Pretty understandably.

I could tell you about the hounding I got over a chronic medical condition that I suffer from, which is covered by equality legislation, and when my manager told me not to “make my problems the employer’s problem”.  I could tell you that the company’s HR department was woefully ignorant of equality legislation despite being the largest employer in the area, and was forced to change their policies when I threatened to go to tribunal.

I was ignored, trivialised and talked down to.  I was undermined, harassed and discriminated against.

I am not a troublemaker, I am not negative and I never liked having to complain or threaten action but I found myself doing this over and over again because nothing was ever taken seriously and nothing ever got any better.  This led me to get a reputation as negative and a complainer, while the managers continued to belittle and ignore both my valid complaints and the suggestions I made to turn things around.

I think I struggled at the time to recognise the cumulative effect all this was having upon me, even when I was sitting at home on a Sunday night crying about having to go into the office the next day.  I had no confidence, and I wasn’t in the right place to be able to see how low I was.  It is often hard to observe your own moods.  At the time I was often told it was my problem, my fault, I was regularly accused of moaning and being negative.  I see it now as a total failure of management to have any understanding, empathy, support or awareness of their own staff.

Since I left, I have been a new person.  I have done several fantastic jobs and received absolutely glowing references which cite me as overwhelmingly positive, enthusiastic and hard working.  I have won staff awards.  I have been treated as a human being with worth and value.

And you know what?  I know am intelligent, I strive for what is right, give a lot to my work and to the people I work with, and anyone who employs me is fortunate indeed.  Provided they treat me with basic respect and understanding.  Which isn’t a lot to ask, is it?